Found: Dr Ruth’s TSA Guide to groping female airport passengers from 2004

By Sam Foster

[Best impression of female with German accent and summarizing the most recent pat down procedures as reported by the AP in 2004]

Technique is very important to screening female passengers. Making your subject feel "uncomfortable" while caressing their "chest perimeter" will only cause the undesirable effect of making woman passengers feel anxious. The experience should be as pleasurable as possible for the screener and the passenger. That's why I'm detailing the following new methods, which now "takes into consideration passenger discomfort while remaining steadfast in mitigating risks."

Think of it as a more pleasurable condom for safe-air travel.

For example, while in the bedroom some feel arousal from dominating their partners by making them hold their hands up in air, even when it becomes painful to do so. However, one must take into consideration the airport environment and realize that this might result in the opposite effect in your screening subject. Thus, I've convince TSA to allow passengers to "lower their arms after the first part of a search so they can be more comfortable." It might be impossible to avoid women's shock and humiliation as you gently wrap your hands around their chest, but at least their shoulders won't be sore, thus increasing their pleasure.

Change in your method for feeling up the "center line of the chest" is also suggested for your female passengers. The proper method as outlined in this guide is to "use the back of the hand to pat down the center line of the chest and follow the bra line below the breast."

Clearly you can see the "enhancing" nature inherent in these new methods while at the same time not weakening your "security efforts."

Of course, always remember that airport screening is mostly about the passenger's enjoyment. Creating a stress-free, worry-free atmosphere to air-travel should be your number one goal as you thoroughly search their underwear to reveal its contents. My hope is that your technique will become so skilled, passengers will thank you for making them feel good about how safe they now feel knowing that if your skilled hands have been extremely thorough on them, then they can rest easy knowing that your searching hands have been on every other passenger in the airport as well.

Next episode…"Enhancing" the screening experience with nude detailing imagery

Unrelated: Before Jews were accused of war mongering against Palestine, there was that heinous effort to oppose Hitler

Related: At WSJ, via Memeorandum: Has airport security gone too far?

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